The Tale of Crookshanks
by shadowCatuse
Summary: A series of commentaries on canon, complaints, and other statements made by Hermione's cat in the middle of Harry's era: Prisoner of Azkaban to Half-Blood Prince. My first fic. Current point in canon is: After Snape finds out Harry has gone to Hogsmeade.
1. The Leaky Cauldron

**CHAPTER 3 - THE LEAKY CAULDRON**

I'm glad to be out of the Magical Menagerie. People looking at me, shut up in my cage all day! But something's wrong with my human's friend's stupid rat. It isn't rodentian.

Anyways, maybe it was safer in the Menagerie; some mass murdering wizard named Sirius Black is on the loose, and to make it worse, he's after Hermione's friend. Have you ever heard of a mass murdering kneazle? Thought not. All the reasons why cats are supreme lords walking the earth.

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><p><strong><em><span>Author's note: <span>_**My first ever story. I'll update this occasionally but only when I feel like it, not on a regular basis. Basically, it's Prisoner of Azkaban from the point of view of Hermione's pet kneazle. Mostly commentary on canon but also some new points. If I finish Prisoner I'll go on with Goblet of Fire, Order of the Phoenix, and Half-Blood Prince. Not Deathly Hallows, Philosopher's Stone, or Chamber of Secrets for obvious reason that Crookshanks isn't present in those books.


	2. The Dementor

**CHAPTER 5 - THE DEMENTOR  
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Why do witches think Love Potions are so funny? It's revolting. In other news, bad enough that I have to stay in a basket all day, but Scabbers smells nothing like dinner.

Encountered a "Professor RJ Lupin" on the train. Doesn't smell human. Maybe I need my nose tested.

A kid named Neville Longbottom SAT on me! How insulting! But that's not the worst of it. A dementor had the incedency to drain my emotions! I was asleep but I had my worst nightmare - the one where the cerberus tries to eat me! Then I woke and hissed at the dementor. It floated away...


	3. Talons and Tea Leaves

**CHAPTER 6-7 - TALONS AND TEA LEAVES and BOGGART IN THE WARDROBE**

Hogwarts is great. I can sleep on Hermione's bed all day and the elves come in and give me crunchy treats and hot pans; all you need for a nice lazy cat nap. I don't think my human would be pleased if she new! *purr* Then I can leave the castle and snooze in the sun... Hermione even lets me in the Great Hall to eat! The only problem is that stupid poltergeist, who likes to grab me by the tail. Git.

Oh, and Ron Weasley thinks I'm going to eat Scabbers. Does he seriously think Scabbers smells like food? On the other hand, if I sink my teeth into him, he'll have to transform into what ever his true form is, since it's obviously not a rat. I'll do it one of these days...

On second thought, Scabbers could be an Animagus. Hermione was doing homework on them and they sound a lot like Scabbers. 'course, if he turns out to be delicious, what will it matter? He'll be stuck in my stomach.**  
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	4. Flight of the Fat Lady

**CHAPTER 8 - FLIGHT OF THE FAT LADY**

Too bad I wasn't allowed to go to Hogsmeade. Harry didn't either, so I'm not the only one. If I get my paws on Scabbers while his human is away, that'll be the last of him...

The bloody Fat Lady used to enter the Tower of Gryffindor is gone. Black attempted to murder her. Now I won't be able to get back into the tower to eat Scabbers. What if he escapes? Bloody mass murderer.**  
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	5. Grim Defeat

**CHAPTER 9 - GRIM DEFEAT**

I ended up shouting at Mrs. Norris today. She hates students and loves Mr. Filch; I hate Mr. Filch and love students. What's so awful about students like Hermione? I hope she's just in a bad mood because she hasn't napped for eight hours - she's been patrolling the corridors for Filch, searching for Sirius Black.

Sir Cadogan is a lunatic! I don't mind napping in front of the Fat Lady while waiting for a Gryffindor to let me in, but Cadogan keeps me up with his stupid dueling threats and changing the password. More harassment like this and I'll imitate Black - or perhaps sympthasize with Norris.

So Harry and that Ron Weasley's brothers Fred and George are upset because they lost the Quidditch match. Serves them right, I say. What were they thinking? It was out in the rain! They'd enjoy life so much more if they took cat naps instead, but they insist on going into the rain. If they were my kittens - URGH! And what's more, Harry stopped me from eating - I mean revealing - Scabbers today!

After the rain stopped, I went outside and ran into a giant black dog. Ron Weasley would say it's a Grim Death Omen, but that's stupid human superstition. Well, the stupid ball of fluff cornered me and revealed itself as an Animagus, and told me that Scabbers, whose real name is Peter "Wormtail" Pettigrew, is an Animagus as well. The dog won't tell me his wizarding name, but as a dog he is called "Padfoot". But I trust neither rats nor dogs, and something's fishy about that Padfoot. I'll have to stay away from him for now on.

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><p><strong><em><span>Author's Note: <span>_**Review or else I'll sic Crookshanks and Hedwig on you! I've had enough trouble for one day without a viewer refusing to review. I was talking to Crookshanks (and I might add that I am an unregistered Animagus, which is why I'm not giving personal info out; also, I have Crookshanks's full permission to do this, because he wants people to know life as the Kneazle of Hermione, which is his new title, or as a cat in general, isn't easy). Guess who interrupted me. Mrs. Norris. She wanted to report my status as an unregistered Animagus to Filch, and then forced me to transform back into a human by trying to claw me up. "_Stupefy! Petrificus Totalus! Incarcerous! _Blast it all! Here comes Filch! I didn't hurt Mrs. Norris! No! Let me go! Have mercy! _Relashio! Stupefy! Confundo! OBLIVIATE! OBLIVIATE!_" Oh no, here comes McGonagall, trying to see what all the commotion in front of her door is about. Gotta go! *transforms*


	6. The Maurader's Map

**CHAPTER 10 - THE MARAUDER'S MAP  
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Went up following a bird-ly scent in the west tower today, found a room filled with nothing but owls! Too bad they are too big to eat. One was Hedwig, that owl who's always swooping by Gryffindor Tower. However, I haven't seen her around much, but she lives here! Well, it turns out Harry hasn't been seen in the Tower, and Hedwig is getting worried. How bizarre.

Harry returned to the Tower today. He seems rather irritated that he won't be going to Hogsmeade, whatever that is. My human is going.

Ran into Padfoot again. I finally trust him, because unlike most dogs, he hasn't done anything to harm me yet. Plus, I decided to obey him, since dogs are dangerous. Despite all humans say about germs from rats, Wormtail seems safe. Padfoot, incidentally, needs to eliminate Wormtail. So he sent me on a mission to figure out the password to Gryffindor Tower. When everyone was at Hogsmeade, I went to make sure Harry wouldn't sneak into the dorm on me, but I couldn't find him anywhere. I was getting worried, so I chanced it. I found the passwords on a boy's headboard and stuck them in my mouth. I then ran for it just as that chubby Neville Longbottom boy returned to the dormitory. Rather than risk getting sat on again or to be discovered with material that the school is keeping from Padfoot for some reason, I fled before he noticed. That was really darned close, and Padfoot is scary. I don't know what he's done! I still don't know what's so bad about Wormtail, but if I can't find and eat him, according to Padfoot, "bad things will happen".

I'd like to thank you, and also Lee Jordan, if he's reading this. Wasn't the Jordan kid the one who taught you how to become an Animagus? And now that I think about it, it must be a lot of work to sneak out of school after hours, transform, and fly to the nearest Muggle Internet cafe to put all this in.

I'd also like to say a work to Alix, who is one of my readers. Alix, has someone ever sat on you? Humans are SO arrogant. But thanks for the tip about food poisoning.

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><p><strong><em><span>Author's Note: <span>_**Well the plot is thickening now, ain't it? Operation Kill all Physical and Metaphorical Rats is underway. I'm planning to put in a scene about Buckbeak's death sooner or later and have Crookshanks pull a failed jailbreak on Beaky. That hippogriff is great. (Sorry, keeping it canonical or at least compatible with canon - and if Beaky escaped early, how would they rescue Padfoot?) Also, follow in the footsteps of Alix, and review! It's probably the first time you'll get told off by a cat! Ain't it grand?


	7. The Firebolt

**CHAPTER 11 - THE FIREBOLT  
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I was off to phase two of Padfoot's plan today. Aided by him, I would convince Fang, that giant dog of that giant teacher who teaches about giant monsters, to join Padfoot's cause, and we would then free Buckbeak. Well, it's pretty plain what happened - the boarhound chased me, and was knocked out by Padfoot. Now what are we supposed to do?

Who is Buckbeak, you ask? One of Hagrid's hippogriffs, and was sentenced to death. If we can free Buckbeak and set him on a rampage, an act which I don't approve but will go along with anyhow, we can prove Padfoot innocent of his darkest secret.

What is that secret, you ask? Well, I met with Padfoot today, and had this conversation with him:

**Padfoot:** Time to confess. I'm Sirius Black.

**Crookshanks: **Yeah, and I'm your great-great-grandfather.

**Padfoot: **I'm serious that I'm Sirius! Nobody pretends to be me; they wouldn't want to scare the public that badly.

**Crookshanks: **If you are Sirius Black, why haven't you killed me yet? Are you planning to? YOU MONSTER!

**Padfoot: **I'm innocent! Wormtail framed me! And not just for murder, but aiding in the deaths of Harry Potter's parents!

**Crookshanks: **YOU WANT TO TRICK ME INTO DESTROYING THE EVIDENCE BY EATING THE RAT!

**Padfoot: **I swear, if we can prove Wormtail is an Animagus, we can-

**Crookshanks: **I want more evidence that THAT!

**Padfoot: **There is a potion in the office of the Potions Master. I could steal it without your help, of course, but you will help me, because three drops of the stuff will prove I never laid a finger on anyone but Severus Snape.

**Crookshanks: **If you promise not to harm me-

**Padfoot: **I promise, but we need to free the hippogriff, too. He's innocent as well, and if we can cause enough ruckus with him and the poltergeist, I will steal the potion.

**Crookshanks: **I don't totally believe you yet, but you've been nice enough. I'll help, but at the first shred of evidence-

**Padfoot: **Good.

So you see, Padfoot could be innocent. One of these days, I'll find the truth. Until then, my life is on the line every day, but it'll be all worth it if the rat Animagus leaves Gryffindor Tower.

Harry Potter was sent a Firebolt from Padfoot. Will he get it? I took the order myself; it would raise too much suspicion if Padfoot entered.

If the Firebolt is unjinxed, may the readers of know that the feared Sirius Black is likely innocent, or else excellent at faking his exornation. If it is jinxed, KILL THAT MONSTER AND KILL HIM NOW! Cats aren't this evil, not even on Halloween.

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><p><strong><em><span>Author's Note: <span>_**Will Sirius Black be innocent? What role did he or Wormtail play in the murder of the Potter family? What potion do they need, and WHY is Padfoot buying a racing broom and sending it to Harry Potter, of all people? This answers as many questions as it creates, I say! You'll just have to wait for the answers...

...or, if you are an avid Harry Potter reader, you'll know them already. But whether you know them or not, Peeves and Fang want to review, but they, uh, aren't party to the plot. And if you caught the reference in the last sentence, you must be the worst FFT nerd in existence.


	8. The Patronus

**CHAPTER 12 - THE PATRONUS**

My human is under a lot of stress. Aside from the overwork she's put on herself, Hermione doesn't go back in time to create more chances to sleep. Sometimes I wonder about her. And now, Harry Potter is angry at her for turning in the Firebolt Sirius Black sent him. Now Professor McGonagall is testing it for jinxes along with the chubby professor and the Quidditch coach.

****Phase one of the Plan began today. I clawed up the hippogriff's rope, aided by it at times, all the while hissing at Mrs. Norris, who was watching close by. Our conversation was not a productive one, and it went a little like this (Norris underlined, _Crookshanks italicized)_

You know you aren't supposed to be doing that. That hippogriff belongs to a buffoon who deserves to get his hippogriff executed.

_And you care because? Eh, Diana?_

My name is NOT a reference to a stupid Muggle obsession! I am NOT Chuck Norris's wife! Suggest that one more time and I WILL get my master. Incidentally, the hippogriff's master looks down at my master as inferior because he's a Squib, yet he is forbidden to do magic himself! He is a prejuidced buffoon!

_I prefer to think of humans as our equals or inferiors, not our masters. We aren't slaves! Now if you'll excuse me, I have a JOB to finish!  
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House-elves have a righteous and pious position in life, without the sin of pride. We should be more like them... or at least, you should. I already am.

_Excuse me? That sentence sounds pretty dang proud, hypocrite.  
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Shut up. Besides, I've seen you with that dog. Dogs aren't supposed to be on the grounds! AEEEE!

That last bit was because Hagrid, the so-called "predjuiced buffoon", showed up. Normally he can overcome his allergies to cats when just I am around, but with two of us, and the fact that he's really big, his sneeze is exponentially massive, and blasted us back onto the castle grounds. It hurts. A lot. I will accept a full apology any day now, since it isn't his fault as irritating and dishonorable as it is, except now he's avoiding us cats, which is problematic. And now he's replaced Buckbeak's rope with a chain. Unless you can help us find a way for Sirius to cast a spell that breaks the chain without being seen or heard while enough people are awake and near Hagrid's house so they try to chase Buckbeak, we need a new distraction.

I also got to the passwords today. A boy named Neville Longbottom, as in the one who SAT on me a couple moths back, dropped them, and I grabbed them in my mouth. I guess if I'm doing the right thing in the end it might be worth it (and Sirius seems trustworthy) but that ink tasted AWFUL! Ugh, why do humans write with that junk anyhow? Yuck, yuck, yuck. My irritation by this allowed me to get distracted, and Wormtail showed up and bit some fur off me. I tried to chase him into a wall, so I could get him in my mouth and force him to transform, so I wouldn't have to taste any more ink, but he escaped. He bit himself while doing so, leaving a piece of my fur and his fur and blood on a piece of paper. He could easily have avoided biting me and himself (he must have insane agility to bite himself, incidentally) but... I think he's scheming something. This ain't good. Ain't good. Ain't GOOD!

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><p><strong><em>Author's note:<em>** I apologize for not posting. Perhaps I will post more if you review. Even if you don't like it, you might as well tell me, as long as you stay positive about it, so it gets better. Besides, getting told off by a cat is fun. Just ask Alix, one of the reviewers. Besides, you wouldn't BELIEVE what I had to go through to get this. Let's see, Professor Vector saw me transform. I can understand why Hermione likes her class; her robe is full of complex mathematics like "x = [-b (+-) sqrt(b^3-347384738578375) * 76] ^ (77-80+3)]". (If you can tell me what that is, you get a cookie). Anyhow, I had to do some more "_Obliviate! Confundo! STUPEFY! _Dang it, Trelawnidiot saw that! _IMPERIO! _Wait, I don't know the Imperious Curse! _OBLIVIATE MAXXXXXXXXXXXXXIMA!_" Well, at least I know what to be thankful for now - _Obliviate Maxima_ spells._  
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While you're reviewing, can you PLEASE tell me if you want some scenes where Crookshanks talks to the dementors? If so, I might just ask the great Larrissa Hazel Malfoy, a Slytherin a year above me who is telling the tale of a dementor named Viola, if I can mention Viola. You might want to check out her work, and also petition to stop the bold/italic/underline bugginess in the editor, at least in Firefox 6. Seriously, it randomly boldens, italicizes, and underlines words and I have to manually remove them with HTML. Anyone else have this problem.**_  
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	9. Gryffindor versus Ravenclaw

**CHAPTER 13 - GRYFFINDOR VERSUS RAVENCLAW**

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><p><em><strong><span>Author's note:<span>**_ This contains Ron and Neville bashing. The author in question is not a supporter of Ron and Neville bashing, and the views represented here reflect Crookshanks's opinion and Crookshanks's alone.

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><p>I hate Ron Weasley. I HATE Ron Weasley! I HATE RON WEASLEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYY!<p>

...just had to get that out of my system. Weasley has been yelling at my human and kicking me ever since he found Wormtail's hair. He seems to be going through a lot of angst at the moment. Well, if Sirius speaks truth, Wormtail is a dirty traitor, so I don't see what he's complaining about, myself. Mrs. Norris has been avoiding me, and Sirius is angry at my failure. I am not in a good mood. What is the Muggle term? Bashing? Yes, I'm in the mood for bashing. I want to bash first Gryffindor knuckleheads! They seem to be afraid of Weasley or something, so instead of petting me and letting me sleep on their laps (I've become a celebrity-by-proxy in Gryffindor Tower, since everyone knows Hermione so well) they hit me!

To top it all off, they had another Quidditch game today. It was a big racket. I tried to enter the stands, but Longbottom tripped and sat on me, AGAIN! Loud and noisy kids: some people are _trying_ to sleep, you idiots! Then, in Gryffindor Tower, everyone stayed up really late partying. I couldn't sleep there either, so I really need to get to bed as soon as I'm done with this interview.

*deep breath*

*deep breath*

*stretch*

Okay, sorry. Lost my temper there. Anyhow, I expect you want to know about some of my work on Operation Kill Physical and Metaphorical Rats. We need to steal procure a certain colorless and odorless potion from the Potion Master's office. Who's the Potion Master? Sirius seems to think it's somebody named Horace Slughorn, but I doubt it. Anyhow, last night Sirius transformed back into a human and entered the Tower. Then he drew a knife and searched Weasley's dormitory. He was cutting back some curtains that he thought he heard Wormtail squeaking around behind, when Weasley woke up and scared him off. Dunno how he escaped. We really need a new plan, since you know what they say. When plans fall, they come crashing down, and sometimes you can't jump out of the way. We need to jump out before it falls down all over us, and build a new plan. Zzz...zzz...

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><p><em><strong><span>Author's note:<span>**_ So... yeah. For once, Ron deserves all the bashing he gets on this website, where usually it's unprecented. Well, I guess Crookshanks gets more sleep then the rest of us, but cats need 14-18 hours of sleep per day.

ToaKanhoiFireDragon is the winner of a cookie. The cookie has a Disillusionment Charm cast on it, so you'll have to find it and eat it that way. Anyhow, that's a wrap. See ya'll soon.


	10. Snape's Grudge

**CHAPTER 14 - SNAPE'S GRUDGE**

The Longbottom boy has been sulking and serve him right! He walked in on me while I was trying to get Peeves to chase me out of the building. Normally I wouldn't do this but hopefully I would be able to make him chase me to Sirius, who he used to be fond of. I doubt Sirius, who says Peeves should be "persuadable". Longbottom STILL hasn't made it up to me for sitting on me, or letting his _Monster Book of Monsters _out and not catching it before it bit my tail.

What's more, Sirius's attempt mean there are now TROLLS assigned to keep him from getting in Gryffindor Tower. Neville Longbottom was sent an exploding letter (what was his batty old grandmother thinking? My momma kneazle used to say "If it explodes, and it ain't edible, stay away from it".) It scared the boy, which shows he's sensible about something, and he threw it into the hallway, where a troll was passing. It exploded, knocking a rock off the ceiling, which then proceeded to bash the troll's head in.

My human told me once about how Harry Potter and Ron Weasley once beat a troll that was about to kill her by making its own club smash its head, but the falling rock didn't even faze it for P17. P is a time consistent with, say, the time it takes for one to scream "GET THE BLOODY HELL OUT OF HERE!" and then run around like a maniac and get to Transfiguration class no more than about five minutes late. P17 is P divided by 17, and is not a fixed timescale, but is frankly far too fast.

The troll bled this disgusting purple blood that stuck to my fur through a small crack in its head, and then went on a rampage with its buddies. I hid in a suit of armor but they knocked it down during the stampede, after which it smashed open leaving shards of metal everywhere. I didn't even know metal formed shards. I fled. During this whole time, the students were in the Great Hall and the door, which is magically soundproofed, was bolted closed, so none of the students ever found out about Longbottom's stupidity.

Harry Potter left the school today. Sirius, having abandoned the attempt to persuade Peeves and the attempt to free Buckbeak (Ministry officals have arrived at the school and said stuff paraphrasable as, "If you don't hand over the hippogriff, you will be very miserable indeedy, Mr. Hagrid".) Apparently Harry broke out or something, and Sirius wants to see if he used the passage Sirius used to escape as a boy. If you are wondering why I told Sirius, Hermione told me first, so don't say anything to that. I followed Sirius there to make sure he wasn't using this as a chance to commit the murder the whole rest of the wizarding world has accused him of planning.

Sirius Orion Black, legendary infamous mass murderer and spy for the former Dark Lord Voldemort of the Death Eaters, is almost certainly innocent. He had several chances to kill Harry and never did.

In other news, I've been meandering about Hagrid's, waiting to see if he is allergic to me or just Mrs. Norris, when I happened to see a rat missing a paw and smelling unusual running into the building. Wormtail! I've got him cornered and he doesn't know it. Sirius and I, we'll get our plans in action before long...

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><p><em><strong><span>Author's note:<span>**_ If you caught the reference in the third paragraph, I'm impressed. Also, lots of Neville bashing in this chapter, but I personally don't feel that way. Crookshanks (or at least how I picture him) is just unforgiving about clumsiness, and I imagine most cats are...


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